Sunday, February 27, 2011

Leaving You

We've had a good week,
though you and I were sick for most of it.
Cough. Cold.
The usual February round of germs.

You got a haircut.
A haircut you worried, that might hurt your ow-brows.
And you told me that you don't like Lilly or Catherine
at daycare anymore.
You like Bo Pierce instead.
. . . . . alright.

I sat down with you tonight and told you I'm leaving.
That I'd drop you off tomorrow at school,
and then I'd take a plane to Houston.
I'm going to have a bit of schooling myself,
some workshops in Texas to try and better my skill set.

In nearly four years,
I've never left you for a week before.

As I talked,
you nodded in solemn understanding.
Then laughed,
and pretended to shoot me with the blowdryer that I was just
about to put in my suitcase.
So I laughed too.
Though teary.

I'm excited to go.
And a bit of a wreck.
You'll understand this one day.
My thumbs are bloody from all the tearing at my cuticles.
I put on some of your Spongebob band-aids.
Bright yellow reminders of how much leaving you hurts.

I can't exactly remember the last time I fled the east coast.
Or went more than a state or two away from this small town.
In having you, I have somehow found and lost the best of me.
I am better for being your mom.
Patient, and I think kinder than I once was.
Empathetic, generally . . .
I like to think that my priorities are pretty well in line.
I'm tougher in some aspects and softer in others.
I've grown.

But I miss some of what has been inadvertently buried.
I miss taking the time to learn new things.
I miss roaming streets other than those of Fuquay-Varina,
miss adventure.
Miss the camaraderie of a classroom and close friends.
Miss feeling brave.
I miss thinking of only me sometimes.
I miss independence.
Just a little . . .
Just parts of it.

You have filled some great hole in my world.
And I, for reasons like time and finances,
have opened a new one.
One that only I,
with pride in myself for reasons other than being your mother,
can fill.

It's about doing something for me.
About being Jess, and not Mom.
Only Jess for a little while.
So that when I get home,
I can be Mom all the better.

Leaving you is going to be tough.
I scratch at my band-aids and dread tomorrow.

We'll talk on the phone,
we'll skype.
Between your daddy and the grandparents,
I have no doubt that you'll be spoiled rotten by the time I get back.

Don't grow too much while I'm gone.
Be good.
I love you. I'm proud to be your mom.


  1. Awww Jess.... it IS hard... hard to think about yourself for a change. But sometimes we have to in order to survive. No matter how much we love those little people (and we do love them to bits) we have to remember our selves from time to time. Otherwise we'll crumble as human beings and we won't be able to feel the love for them anymore.

    Hugs, and have fun learning new skills. And try not to miss him too much.

  2. Awww Jess I remember the first time I left Elli (and mine was to go to London for a girlie weekend) the wrench is a toughy but like AK said and you wrote it does mean we can grab some me time and remember what WE are all about. I always liken the feeling to have forgotten something ~ like my handbag (purse) on a train lol!!

    have a wonderful time xox

  3. You are absolutely killing me on this Monday morning... You have my husband and I in tears as we sit here drinking our morning coffee... Safe travels my friend.

  4. Thank you for being the voice of more than one mom out here in Cyberland. You put into eloquent words what so many of us feel, and can't quite express. Safe journey to you, and enjoy... though, from experience, I know how glad you will be to get back home, too. It's the dichotomy of this crazy trip we call Motherhood. <3

  5. ......
    words escape me
    so true
    all you have written
    the desire to be "just Cat" and the excitement of knowing I am leaving..and then the morning of, as I snuggle my youngest in a warm early morning bed, and let myself drift to that place in my heart, where ache of being away from him and his brother, lives.
    Only a mother could know that place.
    I am leaving all my boys for a few days this morning so your post is timely Miss J.
    A much needed time, with a dear friend....I know it is a good thing for me, and I am excitied....but yes
    a little sad too.

    Have a wonderful time away
    You are an amazing mamma
    Your Monkey is blessed!

    love and light

  6. We are missing you already hun! Have a great time.

  7. You got me man. And I don't leave comments.